Oh, Mariks honey. Whew. I made it through viewing that without crying. Good. It's the middle of the day and crying would be unseemly, wouldn't it? Why would this vid make me emotional? Because I miss Kara Thrace very much. She's a part of me too. She's a part of a lot of us.

This video I really love it. I've only watched it once but I will watch it lots I can tell. What I like most about it is how you made all the footage seem so new and intimate. You have this innate gift and knack for using effects and yet they are subtle. You can catch all the little moments that way: Kara walking away, her hand patting his shoulder, all the little looks and ways they were there for each other. And all of her self-doubts. That's the way to see Kara. Who she is and how much she loves him are all in these little looks and moments. Very plain to see if you look though the Kara-lens.

The slow motion really worked for me as did your use of red. It's so interesting to look at your vids now that I know a teeny bit about vidding. I can recognize more that you have something instinctive and true about vidding and I'm glad you are still doing it even though it hurts. *hugs*

My favorite part I think was seeing my beloved EoJ outmaking recolored so for a moment I could believe they had made out in the dark sometime else. Because in my personal canon they did. Lots.

I can't imagine how painful making this was. I too struggle to force myself to vid and it's . . . hard. But I want that finished product and sometimes pushing through is the only way to get it, I guess. Thank you for sharing your Kara, her pain, your pain. I don't know if it helped you. But for me I'm always glad to see that she's not forgotten by us. Fanworks are the only new things we have of her and pilots and every new one is a gift to us if we can continue to bring ourselves to make and view them. I'm so glad that I was able to watch this one.

Edited at 2010-04-01 05:17 pm (UTC)

Whew. I made it through viewing that without crying. Good. It's the middle of the day and crying would be unseemly, wouldn't it?

I was crying all the way through while working on it. But that’s my personal issues talking of course.

What I like most about it is how you made all the footage seem so new and intimate. You have this innate gift and knack for using effects and yet they are subtle.

Thank you. I’m never entirely sure it works, so I’m glad to hear a confirmation it does indeed.

You can catch all the little moments that way: Kara walking away, her hand patting his shoulder, all the little looks and ways they were there for each other. And all of her self-doubts. That's the way to see Kara. Who she is and how much she loves him are all in these little looks and moments. Very plain to see if you look though the Kara-lens.

Yet not so easy to see for many Lee fans, myself included. I instinctively know how much she loves him, Love isn’t enough of a word to describe that stream of feelings entangled. I used to be strong enough to catch it in her shrugs and little gestures, smiles she shares with him only… and even rejection; only focusing on that previous belief allowed me to finish the vid, ‘cause what the show came down to hurt us and made us question the primary truth. I still believe it wholeheartedly, it’s just harder to hold on to that when someone puts a shitty argument on how desperately she loved Anders or PsychoLeo in my face.

My favorite part I think was seeing my beloved EoJ outmaking recolored so for a moment I could believe they had made out in the dark sometime else. Because in my personal canon they did. Lots.

Hee. I should stay quiet now and keep whatever footage I used there to myself. Your comments just made it clear that I managed to do what I wanted with it. You bought it, that’s the most important thing).

I can't imagine how painful making this was. I too struggle to force myself to vid and it's . . . hard. But I want that finished product and sometimes pushing through is the only way to get it, I guess. Thank you for sharing your Kara, her pain, your pain. I don't know if it helped you. But for me I'm always glad to see that she's not forgotten by us. Fanworks are the only new things we have of her and pilots and every new one is a gift to us if we can continue to bring ourselves to make and view them. I'm so glad that I was able to watch this one.

It’s a shame that you have to force yourself to vid, but you still vid – it means the pull is stronger than anything else. I look forward to seeing more of your work.

Thank you very much for your kind words and a great feedback DB. I do what I can. Maybe not the best I can, but that’s not for me to say in this case, I’m too much in the epicenter of this emotional struggle to get my pride and love back. It’s been more than a year and I surprised myself. Last March I was convinced I’d never come near vidding again. So I guess that’s something of a progress…

This is beautiful. Stunningly, achingly beautiful. I think my favorite part was from about 2:30 to the end. Just lovely.

Thank you! The structure and basis of this vid are somewhat different from my previous works' and I like to think of that culmination sequence you mentioned as of the first minute's observing melancholy follow-up... I'm glad you enjoyed watching :)

Wow. That is a beautiful vid. I don't remember seeing many vids from Kara's perspective about her love for Lee. It's heartbreaking. The song is so wondefully pilots. I hope you will come and talk to us about your love for pilots. I miss them desperately and love to see your devotion to them. It brings it back, painfully and beautifully, but back nonetheless. I hope you will make more.

You don't remember because there aren't many :) Which is one of the reasons I wanted to make one. The song is perfectly her I think and the lyrics along with the music cut deep, especially at the culmination point. I thought if I tried hard enough I could show this face of Kara even if most of the people prefer to see Starbuck videos that touch upon her relationship with all important men in her life or her destiny/childhood issues.

I miss them too!

Thanks a lot for being so kind to comment dear!

What you've done here is quite remarkable, really. Apart from its gorgeousness, you've managed to make pilotverse look and feel completely different, and the result is something unique. Filtered through Kara's perspective, it just works beautifully.

In some ways this vid was intended to be a present for any Lee fan out there, but at the same time it's a Kara video that shows her soul bared to the core, highlights her most privet moments when she's vulnerable and insecure when all but no one even suspects. I'll never get tired of saying that I love Starbuck but it's Kara I truly feel compassion for and whom I admire when she's at her strongest... from the moment she says her first prayer when nobody can hear her and strokes a picture of what she's been craving for all along and what might've been till that scene in the brig from S4.

Thank you very much for your feedback! This was a hell to produce but I'm glad I did, not just because it may help me overcome some issues but also since it's an exploration of Lee from Kara's perspective that I think this fandom needs to acknowledge more often, a video I've always wanted to make.

I wish I could be more eloquent about this, but I just can't find the right words to express how much I love this vid. This was just so gorgeous and moving, and it made me feel --and miss-- every bit of Kara Thrace and Starbuck. The way you've portrayed Kara's love for Lee is pitch-perfect; love all the little details you've included, the slow motions, the reds, how you've captured the intimacy of those small, casual moments between them. Love that everything feels fresh and new, and so real at the same time.

I think my favorite part of the vid is from about 2:15 until the end --the bit from "Pegasus", when Kara pats Lee's shoulder, gets me every time.

Also, I want to give you a big thank you for this work. I am well aware it must have been hard and painful for you. I love these characters and I miss them so much too, they hold a very special place in my heart. Thanks for sharing that part of you with us. And hope to see you around.

Don't worry about not finding the right words; your feedback is wonderful and getting such an emotional comment is the best praise any vidder could hope for, I think. It seemed appropriate to explore that one thing that always made Kara specially beautiful and strong to me that the show failed to do justice in the last season. And all the moments she tried to hide from Lee but never could fully hide from the viewer... I don't think I could ever create an AU video to Battlestar since I'm an old school fan who used to trust and rely on canon too much, so this is as good as it gets these days.

Changing colouring the way I did here is quite new to me and I'm glad it meant what it was supposed to and that I didn't overuse it. The Pegasus hallway moment was that culmination point I had to redraft a dozen times before it started making sense emotionally. Not that it's that different in the original but I had to make some careful cutting and alter the shot to make it look like a few seconds when everything stood still and moved a lot at the same time. Sounds self-contradictory, but I like being able to keep that up in certain vids, especially since it's a fine way to try to capture Kara's nature.

Thank you for still caring. And for sharing your support and reassurance!

WOW! This is beautiful. It just sucks you into their world and you don't want to leave. One can easily see how much you love these two characters. The slow motion of the vid gave new perspective to old favorites.

Wonderful! Simply wonderful!

Thank you for commenting! Slow motion allowed me to make it more intimate than any other vid I've ever produced I think. And the song's tune surely helped too. The first time I heard it, I immediately thought: "This is Kara!" :)

Ahhh! I love this song! And this is a great usage of it. Fabulous vid with some effing cool effects! Great job. :)

Thank you for letting me know you enjoyed watching! It was more than just a challenge to get finished the project, given that I haven't been vidding for more than a year up until this recent video.

And in case you don't have the song and would like to be able to listen to it, there's a link to the mp3 file in the comment below.

That was incredible. I can't even put it into words here. There was a sadness and an urgency that really captured Kara. Just wow.

I'd never heard the song before, bu may need to go find a copy. :)

Thank you! I did my best to channel her confusing feelings for Lee into this video and I'm flattered to see that many people who don't even like Pilots that much could catch a glimpse of that too.

Here's a link to the song in case you want to have it on your play-list: http://www.sendspace.com/file/5gjety

Wow, that was wonderful. The editing was so interesting and different--loved the use of still frames and slow motion. Really beautiful work.

Thank you! I tried a different technique in this one, yes. Not for the sake of it, but because it felt right and I thought still frames and the colouring would make sense in relation to Kara's feelings' often unrevealed nature.

Simply stunning. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. You have long been one of my absolute favorite vidders, and I was so, so excited to see this vid pop up today. As always, your editing of the text is beautiful and insightful, and the song you chose...perfect.

Thank you dear! I've been meaning to make a video that would revolve around Kara's insight into her confusing thoughts about Lee for almost two years and I almost gave up on it. Who could've thought that Bop would ignite my need to delve into Kara's POV so suddenly and without really meaning to?

Thank you for watching even though I haven't produced a single vid in a year... and still caring. :)

I adored this music too. Perfect choice, and I must get myself a copy of the song.

What I especially liked was your choice of shots - canonically, we have so few Pilot moments that when I go on a video bing I find I'm seeing the same shots over and over and over...

you put a different twist on them. I think it's the coloring, but especially the editing. you cut them shorter, put them together in ways I haven't seen before and it really made this video fresh, new and wonderful.

thank you so very much!

Here's a copy of the song: http://www.sendspace.com/file/5gjety

I've been listening to it for a long time I must admit. It'll be forever associated with Kara in my head. :)

Thank you very much for commenting! It means a lot.

One of the first things I realised about two or three years ago as a vidder was that the lack of pilots footage is the biggest delusion one might have when trying to vid them. Not that I wouldn't want ten times as much as the show gave us, but when it comes to vidding it's not about the video clips length or a number of dialogs the characters share - it's all about the context you put it in or in other words - a different angle you want to explore them at. So as a fan - I want more, as a vidder I've got enough. And I'm not afraid of using same footage in different vids of mine since I know that each time a single shot might give another insight or mean something else.

Gods. That was so beautiful and raw that it just took my breath away. Just fucking amazing. And I love that song. So perfect.

THANK YOU for making this. **hugs you tight**

*hugs back* Thank you Bee! You can imagine how hard this was to produce given that I haven't contributed anything to the fandom for a very very long time. But it just demanded to be made after one of my conversations with Bop; the pull proved to be stronger than me with all my frustrations and sadness altogether. I still love Lee and Kara so much!

I hope Tara watched and enjoyed since she's such a dedicated Kara fan... or will get a chance to when she's in the right mood.

Here's the song if you want to have it on your hard drive: http://www.sendspace.com/file/5gjety

So achy, but so good! It's a gorgeous video. You captured the complexity of her emotions very, very well.

Thank you for watching and letting me know you enjoyed! :)

Beautyful and aching.

Thank you a lot.

I'm glad you liked the video enough to comment. :) Thank you!

I know nothing about vidding, but I thougth this was wonderful, and especially liked the parts where you "stopped" the image or put some red in there. So many wonderful pilots moments! Also, the song is fantastic, so thanks for introducing me to it. :)

I'm thrilled I could do the song justice and share the video with others! Freeze frames were crucial to this work, especially in the beginning, so I'm glad it worked for you. Thank you for your lovely comment; I really appreciate you letting me know the vid moved you emotionally. :)

Truly Amazing! The music and vid focus were a perfect marriage. I was pulled out momentarily with the kissing footage because I sensed it wasn't K/L and my mind kept trying to work out what I'd just seen instead of following the rest of the vid, but on the second rewatch I was prepared for it and the whole vid flowed flawlessly. My favourite vid of yours to date has been Cold but this one just might take it's place. Excellent, excellent job.

The song is so spot on and fitting Kara, isn't it? It's so strange I ended up coming back to vidding with this song and not something like Cold, because Cold's overall mood and harshness are exactly how I've been feeling about the show after the finale. I'm thrilled to know it might be your close second favourive of mine. Thank you for your feedback Latte. :)

Wow, that was just... amazing. Completely capitvating, and made me miss pilots SO much.

You did such a fantastic job with this.

Thank you dear! If it brought back all the best memories about pilots and made you miss them again, then I guess I did good.

My dear you are like my heart and soul. *hugs* I know how hard this was for you to make but it is a work of art. Your vidding skillz are breathtaking!

Thank you Jennifer! It means a lot... cause it's been what, a year since my last one? I still can't quite believe I made it.

This will be my third attempt to sit down and write feedback. I wanted to last night, but i couldn't, although I did talk about your vid online. I wanted to this morning, but again, I couldn't. I'll try and avoid using the word haunting, because I over-use it...

There's a phrase that's been running through my head a lot lately, something I encountered in a novel that made a big impression on me... a phrase from classical Greek: beauty is harsh.

This vid is... harsh. I know that's a deeply personal reaction; it's harsh, and brutal, for all the recollections it brings of what should've been, for the way it makes me look and feel and taste everything I remember, even when I don't want to. It's fitting that the vid runs until Razor within the timelines of canon; just as this vid is so intricately woven, so the story of pilots seemed to be as tightly wound.

The rosy glow you add to the opening shot of Kara's face in the brig seems entirely fitting; a rose-tinted glow that existed in the novel, the script, the transcript… fanfiction. And that glow reappears in many shots, wiether it's the two of them sitting side by side… how do you do that? How do you supplant the memory of a shot that in canon was a part of highlighting the disconnect between them, and make it glow with such profound intimacy? There's an icon I made and still use, where I overlay a touch in a corridor with a faint coloured glow, to make it look warm… you do exactly the same thing in this vid. I have so little ability to read Kara, and yet you conjure up the same image, only with an eloquence that can only be achieved with moving footage.

You overlay shots Kara's expression with shots of destruction and devastation, the shot of Lee's viper being damaged with Kara's expression ghosting in and out… Eloquent moments and feelings that canon failed to deliver nearly as well.

You take the words "how perfect you are" and use boxing gloves to echo the movement. I remember someone saying once that they were glad I used a certain scene in Stay because of who they were in that brief moment… and you bring that moment back. Not because of where either is going, or whoever's due to walk in within canon… just as there's a presence noticeably absent in this, you strip away words and any context other than the emotional, and then you take that emotional context and make it inescapable.

The music reminds me so strongly of Alone that the feelings are palpable, solid. Beauty is harsh. That video brings out so much loss, sadness and brutal joy… this feels the same.

The way you evoke Kara shooting Lee without actually showing the clip… just moving back and forth between their faces and the Cylon dissection chamber, the gunfire and falling body, and then Kara donning that black cap so casually, so full of brass. That's a twist of the knife, if ever there was one; take that moment of boldness and make the viewer remember what happened because you've already shown it without showing it.

You remind me of just how lucky I am. Beautiful words, simple… and harsh. How lucky we were.

You leave such a wonderful feedback Ed. “Thank you” doesn’t begin to describe my gratitude because if it wasn’t for our conversations and winter rewatch, I would probably be forever stuck in this self-damaging pit of anger and bitterness.

from classical Greek: beauty is harsh.

I got my Birthday present today. Thank you so much for the models and books, let alone postcard wishes – they’re wonderful. I read Illusions by Richard Bach about six years ago. Have you read the Seagull and The Bridge Across Forever? They’re also my favorites of his.

This vid is... harsh. I know that's a deeply personal reaction; it's harsh, and brutal, for all the recollections it brings of what should've been, for the way it makes me look and feel and taste everything I remember, even when I don't want to.

So you didn’t want to remember? I should’ve had a warning posted with the vid saying something like: “You’re at the wrong place at the wrong time guys, if you didn’t come here to redefine reality!” :)

But then I remember you’ve got Lee’s picture signed by Jamie Bamber up on the wall in your front room. So you either live in a dream without paying attention or you’re being evasive when you say you don’t want to remember. There’s another pic missing, but I already mentioned that, didn’t I? If there’s one thing the vid you commented on shows, it’s that change of perception can’t and won’t be rushed – it may only happen from the inside.

It's fitting that the vid runs until Razor within the timelines of canon; just as this vid is so intricately woven, so the story of pilots seemed to be as tightly wound.

Yes, I think I told you some other time that I didn’t have a clear idea of footage boundaries with Honeythief. I was so angry I was determined to make it almost vicious using S3 footage. Then Bop came and said something and it changed everything, gave me the boundaries to work in – didn’t allow to indulge myself in my pointless thirst for revenge. I also realized the reason I couldn’t vid, one of them anyway, was the fact that it would be a blasphemy to follow Moore’s example and use his own footage to mock his hypocrisy – I’d be making True Battlestar something it wasn’t. I know it’s in my power to create AU vids or black humor vids and wallow in self-pity or endless criticism – but at the end of the day I’ll just risk the chance of becoming a left-wing devil incarnate.

I still have so many frustrations and anger over the way BSG ended, but at least I’m at a place where I can admit to myself that I’m not done… and that I if I try to work through this and create vids much harsher than even Cold… I’ll first make sure that I’m strong enough to put the truth on a pedestal, not my own temporary desires to take advantage of certain imagery in order to show dirt to someone who will never be able to tell it from rose petals anyway.

The rosy glow you add to the opening shot of Kara's face in the brig seems entirely fitting; a rose-tinted glow that existed in the novel, the script, the transcript… fanfiction. And that glow reappears in many shots, wiether it's the two of them sitting side by side…

I was trying to create a glowing reddish light not so much around her face as around her face *and* her hand. You have to wonder why she’s holding on to the bars the way she does; is it something she uses as a prop in need for one or touches just because it’s a physical obstacle between her and Lee and by doing this, sort of dispelling the physical barrier - she may get closer? We saw her playing with a ball using it as a fence as well as with her bottle or a glass – but I’m challenging you all to think what the jail bars serve for in this particular shot. I still think about it myself.

how do you do that? How do you supplant the memory of a shot that in canon was a part of highlighting the disconnect between them, and make it glow with such profound intimacy?

Every single moment of disconnection they share works as the rule of contraries.

thank you so much. this is wonderfull clip with my fav couple ever.
it'll be one of my favorite videos of bsg:)

Спасибо большое :) Это и мой любимый пейринг тоже. Тяжко было к нему возвращаться вот так спустя год, но что-то пересилило несмотря на то, что я подозревала, что почувствую себя совершенно обесточенной если удастся его достойно завершить.

Like others said, it was heartbreaking to watch. I am just so glad that you managed to get over the heartbreak enough to keep creating.

I wonder if anything related to Lee and Kara could ever not seem heartbreaking for us now. Or maybe I'm just projecting my own feelings onto what I suspect others' might be. Thank you for your lovely feedback dear. :) I don't regret a single moment of the turmoil I went through to get this video done, given the viewers' response and that it gave me some sense of things shifting and changing... possibly for better.

This is really great, wow, I love it. *recs!*

Oh WOW! I didn't know it got recced! I'm so flattered and glad you approve. Thank you so much! :)

This is absolutely gorgeous and wrenching, as it should be.

Thank you! I'm glad to hear it got a strong emotional response.

Nice lyrics for Kara.

Your editing is brilliant as always.

The end was just perfection...

I'm so glad you did this!

Thank you Jill! :)

The end was the first thing I clearly envisioned before even approaching the song, both Kara's facial expression and the words of dedication.

I'm glad I managed to share this!

This was so lovely. You have such an amazing talent, the scenes and editing with the lyrics are pitch perfect. Thank you for sharing this with us.

Thank you for your lovely comment! The only reason my vidding skills were ever given a chance to be developed and improved was my collision with Battlestar. So I'm grateful for lots of things related to the show, among which the primary one is getting to meet many nice people in the fandom. I'm glad I could share this video!