((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

::kisses you softly::

Let me begin to tell you about the story I see here, for we have only so far been able to skim the surface of this vid--I've shared with you the initial emotional impact and wave, the sense of completeness and *right*ness. Initial viewing responses are special, I know, but I've been craving time to watch with greater freedom to see the details and not just the overall effect, you know?

Let me slow things down...
0.08 Adama's voice makes me flinch. As an entry point this framing is very powerful--the messages that Lee receives from outside about himself, the tone of voice so aggressively contradicting the supposed 'support' in the actual words. (SEE ICON)
0.14 From there you take us into Lee's inner world, we see him thinking and remembering, the wryness of his expression telling us how much irony he sees in this definition of 'under control'
0.18 At first it seems like father and son are going fishing together, but son ends up alone. Your intercutting of older Lee, shaky lipped on the sofa beside his father, has a powerful emotional effect. All the silences, the hurts and feelings he can't ever fully share with his father, but which he shakes with, physically.
0.33 I'll admit that when I first watched this, the shots of the boys jumping into the water (and I'm only just realising this now) hit me HARD at a subconscious level. The association with Lee's potential suicide, or the urge to lose oneself and just sink was very powerful. But the leaping also brings a new understanding there--the act is a release, a reconnection with oneself and the urge to survive... after plunging, to push oneself back up and break the surface again. Which is really what that arc on BSG was also about for Lee (though once again, imperfectly executed IMO)
0.39 This is one of those bits where I see a clear story--of a boy running away and his mother climbing the tower to find him huddled up there at dawn. This is something I can imagine easily for Lee as a child, overwhelmed by emotions he doesn't have a safe outlet for, trapped in inertia (he can't actually jump or actually totally run away--he is too emotionally entangled and loves too deeply despite all the pain).

0.59 The sequence before this is clearly about the marriage, about the absent parents, and alcoholism and the hypocrisy in the family. It leads beautifully to this image I love of his mother on the bed, which conveys the loneliness of a broken marriage. I love the centrality of this section to the vid because Lee took on the emotional baggage of his mother so much, absorbed her devastation so deeply.
1.01 This leads to this amazing shot of the back of her head, which is so evocative of so many things
--of emotional unavailability in a mother
--of two levels as well, the one where she is seen clearly (or sees herself clearly maybe) and the one where she is distorted with depression and pain
--of Kara because of the physical similarity
--of Socrata and the similarity of their histories
I love the lyric btw, because it also reminds me of Kara--clinging to Gods because she didn't understand the pain in her own life, there is something there in both Lee's mother and Kara that he responds to on an involuntary level, I think.
- 1.09 What strikes me really clearly on these rewatches I am doing is the shots of a sullen young Lee unable to speak honestly to his father, because his father is like a WALL, unreachable. The 'brokenhearted playground' is a perfect example.
- DOG SEQUENCE VERY SAD AND UNBEARABLE. :(( I feel like the story is that his dog is bullied and taken from him and set on fire. I may be reading that wrong but it seems like that.
- 1.24 The running is such a RELEASE when it comes, because by now there is so much pent up emotion wanting an outlet.
- 1.31 I love, love, love this shot to 'your lips move constantly'. There are no words that can convey all that Lee's face does there, and once again leads into this idea that he gets out only the merest tiny amount of what his heart holds, to Adama in particular. The image of the boy saying just one or two words is really powerful and creates a tension in the viewer for him to SAY MORE. But also a compassion because how can he find words to describe all the pain?
- 2.10 So this bit I'm really intrigued by, because it seems like the suggestion is that his girlfriend was an addict of some sort. I can believe that for many reasons--first because of Lee's rescuer complex, second because we know that she was emotionally unavailable to him, she slips away from him (into her own addiction or psychosis maybe). The 'no one left to call' bit speaks of a young Lee lost to the world in some way, trying to get help... at first I thought for himself but then it seems more about her.
- 2:13 I really love love LOVE the 'milky white of heroin' shot, btw, even though I can't completely explain why it works for me. There are several ways I could read this section, I think--it seems to be strongly about Lee himself, experiencing pure intense emotion, sometimes of the most painful and horrible kind, but also the most REAL. Whether there is a literal element of addiction in his past (suggested by the unclean sink most of all for me), I'm not sure--it's makes more sense to me that the people around Lee were addicts, not him so much, though perhaps partially also him, he knows a part of himself that can lose himself in pain.
- 2.22 Gah, love the way you use reaction shots from Lee here without showing us what we see (in my mind's eye I see him lash out in frustration a moment later!)
- 2.24 Really fascinating sequence here about not quite being able to pull the trigger. Lee does struggle with being a killer even when he knows it is for the very very best of reasons.

- 2.31 GAH, OK, INABILITY TO WATCH ZAK SEQUENCE WITHOUT TEARINESS. His JOY! the HUGGING. GAH!
- 2.34 Total love for the SHOCK moment of Lee seeing Kara open the door--Kara literally interrupting his relationship with his brother. And once again bringing in feelings that he is not able to put into words because it would destroy everyone (he feels).
- 2.47 It's much clearer to me on rewatch that the blonde boy on horseback is Zak (you make that clear with the cuts to the photo of young Zak from BSG). And what's interesting to me is the way he is woven in with this theme of water and release--Lee's spreadeagled position as he sinks into the water. Zak it seems is a figure of innocence and joy, perhaps simple joy of flying that he wanted or longed for, before that ended in death. Really interesting that you intercut the two vipers side by side here, again offering several interpretations. It's Lee and Kara who end up in the sky together, but we know that Kara and Zak flew together... leading to his death. The complex paradox of that leads us into the funeral and the added pain for Lee's mother (which he again shoulders... not only his own grief, but hers too).
3.22 I like the cyclical aspects in this part--the return to the image of the rowboat, for example, and the boys round the fire.
3.25 Two amazing reaction images back to back--Lee after Kara tells him of her role in Zak's death, and then Lee after Bill has told him of his part in the Cylon attacks. Lee is left with these painful truths that he is alone with. Is it any wonder we see his shaking hands and a little boy running towards suicide, or at least the contemplation of it?
3.51 I also love the shot of him hiding on the family roof. He wanted space, he never could escape the emotional pain.
3.54 I will tell you completely honestly that the emotion I have now, watching Lee coming on board Galactica is ANGER, rage even, that people didnt understand, didn't see his pain, read him as arrogant or withdrawn. I remember being baffled by that even on first viewing, but when I watch this vid, I'm so completely IN him by this stage that having that 'viewed from outside' feeling imposed on him feels like a violation, a violence from the outside world.
4.01 Love that you bring it back to this shot of the two Adamas taking their places side by side, despite everything, having drawn all that came before and between them (and reminding us with the shot from the car, of the silences).

So so beautiful, and I mean it that it makes me deeply happy. But it also evokes a lot of other emotions in me, and right now I am punchy and angry and would rip someone's head off if they looked at me the wrong way. ;) Guess I absorbed some of that Adama rage. :p And people wonder why Lee is so physically tense!!

One thing I would say that I am personally delighted by in this work (and perhaps selfishly so!) is that although it is very specific in some details about Lee's past life, I don't feel like it closes down other possibilities of exploring backhistory in vids. It feels like it taps something universal and certainly conveys emotional truth. But you are far too subtle and nuanced a vidder to make it feel like you are saying 'this is the one and only way to portray Lee's childhood', which ... I guess a small part of me feared that it might be that and feared that I'd feel some element was wrong, and OMG, that would hard to take because eeeeeeee, it's Leeeeeeeeee, and it's youuuuuuuuu. But this just feels more like an exploration, not a statement, a suggestion, an impression, not an argument. And it's far more powerful for being so, of course. And ultimately much more convincing. I should not be surprised at all because I trust you, this is just the fear part of me acting up! ;p

Во-первых, наконец-то подписалась на канал - вспомнился пороль к учетной записи на youtube)
Во-вторых... Так давно ждала потрясающего и нового от тебя! Музыка потрясающая, видеоряд - супер! Как всегда - натянутая струна. И Ли...Тяжело вообще что-то про Ли делать, по мне.
Еще раз спасибо! Рада тебе в френдленте! Почаще появляйся с такими подарками)

Только сейчас дошли руки ответить... даже стыдно) Спасибо большое за добрые слова, клип рождался в муках и снах так что они были как бальзам на душу. С НАСТУПАЮЩИМ тебя! Здоровья тебе и близким твоим, любви, счастья таким, как его ощущаешь на вкус в пределе.

Главное, что родился и такой, что даже похрюкиваешь от удовольствия глядючи!) И тебя с Наступающим! Властелином мира тебе быть в следующем году! чтоб все сбылось, что что не само получилось, ты повелела - и как на ладони!))))

This is a beautiful vid. I don't really know anything about BSG, but this vid stands alone just fine. I was completely convinced that this was Lee's actual backstory on the show.

Great vid, and also, it was lovely to meet you!

Sorry I'm so late to respond to this vid comments. And thank you very much for telling me you enjoyed - it's so nice to know that even those who didn't watch the show found something intriguing in Merry Go Round.

It was lovely to meet you too. You're my example of optimistic outlook and ability to relax and enjoy life at its best in human beings! (((hugs)))

А я гадала, куда она делась :)
Не знаю на счет предвзятости, это абсолютно мое видение детства Ли. Вот ни секунды не сомневаюсь, что все это там было, бо все оно потом проявилось в Ли *нынешнем*.

Не прошло и пол года, как я отвечаю... я на самом деле целый кризис отторжения пережила с этим клипом, но это долгая история... спасибки за твое вИдение, оно для меня всегда важно. Ли люблю как и прежде.

Ну ты ж меня знаешь, я вообще тупо не понимаю, как Ли можно НЕ любить. Вот просто не понимаю. Такой кладезь всего!

Your editing always blows me away. I loved that you included the 'external' footage, especially the footage of young Jamie from his movie.

Very well done!

Very late to respond to this comment. But it's the end of the year and that rare time when I actually have some time to myself). Thanks a lot for your comment! External footage was very tricky to work with but I'm glad I tried - now it gives me even more freedom in vidding and better trust in my vision of truth. I needed to explore his background story more, always needed to see it on screen actually but since we never got it - why the hell not? ;)

why not indeed!